Please tell me what u think of my story?

It is a normal spring day, and i decide to have my lunch break in the local park, the weather is good, warm enough for summer clothes, yet not hot enough to complain about.


I sit on a bench under the shade of a tree, the wind blowing through the tree causing shadows to dance on the well-maintained lawn. The park is a hive of activity today, an assortment of people, professions and past times. A man walks past me in his well pressed business suit, he is not much younger than me, he is talking on his mobile phone, a little to loudly than necessary, trying to sound important to those in earshot of him, or trying to sound important to himself.


An elderly couple is sat on a picnic blanket on the lawn, there silver hair shinning in the afternoon sun, homemade sandwiches and cakes in brown paper bags, their faces are content, yet there eyes tell a different story, for after a life time of love, sharing and companionship, should one of them pass, the other would be truly alone.


A young female runner runs past them, her toned body a billboard for her generation, her even strides cushioned by the latest running shoes and designer sunglasses to block out the sun. Tight fitting running clothes, to either enhance her performance, or to leave those who look at her an object of desire, sexual and envious, covers her body.


She runs past a group of teenage school kids, as she passes the boys they mimic the bounce of her breasts with their hands, much to the annoyance of the girls who roll there eyes.


A young couple walk past hand in hand, smiles on their faces as they watch their young toddler kick a bright orange ball, he squeals with delight, his rosy cheeks and innocent eyes oblivious to the hardships he will one day face, but for now he is content will sugar coated treats and colourful images on the T.V.


A small bird takes my attention, a sparrow I think, he is doing a little hop type of dance in front of a cluster of bushes, he then darts into them, coming out with a small bug in his beak, he then flies up into a tree, He returns moments later to do the same thing again.


Yet the more I watch his antics the more I wonder about him.


I wonder if he is feeding his young, is this instinct that drives him to do this, or is it a parental love? Will he get frustrated if he cannot get enough food?


Will his little heart swell with pride when his young take flight for the first time? Does he know of love? Does his heart skip a beat when he sees his mate? Or will it break when one day she does not return? Does he know of fear? Will he cower in the treetops when a storm comes crashing down upon him? Does he know of racism? Do other birds treat him unkind because he is not the same breed as they? Does he know of joy? Will he sing that little bit better when the sun is shinning on a clear day? Does he know of God and the creation? Is he aware of me as i am of him, and knows of man, war and death?


If he is aware of all of these then I feel sorry for him, for why should he suffer the folly’s of man, and yet if he is not aware I am equally sorry for him for the wonder of life is a thing to behold and the joy and sorrow it brings is a thing to be shared by all

Please tell me what u think of my story?
You will get flack for posting an essay. You will also get flack for sloppy typing. The story does need work, but it shows promise. TD
Reply:You have some good hits and some not so good ones. I liked it though. It wasn't boring and I am VERY EASILY bored with boring stuff. I liked the paragraph about the young female runner best. However in the following paragraph about the way the boys stare at her you should use more innuendoes. You have stated directly at what they are looking at. Everybody knows what are the young boys' interests in young, beautiful or bouncing girls and we expect that you will say that. But if you shift the words in such a way that they can fool us for a second we might enjoy what follows.


I think the paragraph with the questions is too big and redundant. Choose the best of your questions and leave those, the rest should go!


That's what I think!
Reply:Interesting details but boring narration. A little repetitive and sometimes the sentences are too long. 'There' is also used instead of 'their'. You should change that.





The bird part is ok, more original and far more interesting than the rest, although I think all those details about people are relevant to the questions you ask in the second part of the story.





I don't like the last paragraph though. It makes sense but the words you chose make it sound a little fake.





7 points out of 10.
Reply:I don't normally critique stories - I have strayed across from poetry.


This isn't a story, to me - this is a snapshot in time, which allows others to see what you are seeing, and to ponder upon the things you are thinking. It doesn't actually go anywhere - also it sounds like two pieces cobbled together.


From A small bird onwards it becomes simply a piece of speculation, reflection on life.....with far too many questions.





There are numerous little typos, i - I, a little to loudly (too)


couple is sat (sitting), shinning (shining), yet there eyes (their)....this sentence is far too long. Break it up.


A young female runner runs past them


A young girl jogs by them (her toned body a billboard for her generation....this is a very good line)


her even strides cushioned by the latest running shoes and designer glasses to block out the sun.....these two things don't go together, separate them. The Tight fitting sentence doesn't read right, it needs amendment. leave out 'the boys' from mimic sentence.


I'm getting tired now.....you have a good look yourself at what you have written.





Take the first part of this 'story' and create some incident in the park....maybe, the stereotypes you have depicted might be shown doing things which are unexpected. Then at the end philosophise about people and life. Then you will have a story.


The second part - cut out some of the questions, tidy it up a bit, and then consider it complete.





One last thing - try shortening your sentences, and put in more paragraphs (where there is a slight change in what you are saying)



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