Please tell me what you think of my story?

It is a normal spring day, and i decide to have my lunch break in the local park, the weather is good, warm enough for summer clothes, yet not hot enough to complain about.


I sit on a bench under the shade of a tree, the wind blowing through the tree causing shadows to dance on the well-maintained lawn. The park is a hive of activity today, an assortment of people, professions and past times. A man walks past me in his well pressed business suit, he is not much younger than me, he is talking on his mobile phone, a little to loudly than necessary, trying to sound important to those in earshot of him, or trying to sound important to himself.


An elderly couple is sat on a picnic blanket on the lawn, there silver hair shinning in the afternoon sun, homemade sandwiches and cakes in brown paper bags, their faces are content, yet there eyes tell a different story, for after a life time of love, sharing and companionship, should one of them pass, the other would be truly alone.


A young female runner runs past them, her toned body a billboard for her generation, her even strides cushioned by the latest running shoes and designer sunglasses to block out the sun. Tight fitting running clothes, to either enhance her performance, or to leave those who look at her an object of desire, sexual and envious, covers her body.


She runs past a group of teenage school kids, as she passes the boys they mimic the bounce of her breasts with their hands, much to the annoyance of the girls who roll there eyes.


A young couple walk past hand in hand, smiles on their faces as they watch their young toddler kick a bright orange ball, he squeals with delight, his rosy cheeks and innocent eyes oblivious to the hardships he will one day face, but for now he is content will sugar coated treats and colourful images on the T.V.


A small bird takes my attention, a sparrow I think, he is doing a little hop type of dance in front of a cluster of bushes, he then darts into them, coming out with a small bug in his beak, he then flies up into a tree, He returns moments later to do the same thing again.


Yet the more I watch his antics the more I wonder about him.


I wonder if he is feeding his young, is this instinct that drives him to do this, or is it a parental love? Will he get frustrated if he cannot get enough food?


Will his little heart swell with pride when his young take flight for the first time? Does he know of love? Does his heart skip a beat when he sees his mate? Or will it break when one day she does not return? Does he know of fear? Will he cower in the treetops when a storm comes crashing down upon him? Does he know of racism? Do other birds treat him unkind because he is not the same breed as they? Does he know of joy? Will he sing that little bit better when the sun is shinning on a clear day? Does he know of God and the creation? Is he aware of me as i am of him, and knows of man, war and death?


If he is aware of all of these then I feel sorry for him, for why should he suffer the folly’s of man, and yet if he is not aware I am equally sorry for him for the wonder of life is a thing to behold and the joy and sorrow it brings is a thing to be shared by all.

Please tell me what you think of my story?
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Reply:Wow dude It Totally blew me off.


Very Good Poem.


Never stop making poems!


And always think of other Poems like this.





:-)______________%26gt;%26gt;%26gt; ROCK ON!!!
Reply:You have a gift for bringing to others a vision of a moment. You are able to allow us to see what you see in a clear way. That is a gift.


Study great authors, take a course in writing, and submit your work to publications. You have an inspired way of writing...


Go for the GOLD!
Reply:Thats amazing. I think you have a gift!!! cool :))
Reply:it needs to be condensed to catch attention and keep it. Liked your last two paragraphs best.
Reply:there is too much detail. give a little less detail and leave the reader wanting more. when there is too much detail it gets boring. very good in description and choice of words. you are intelligent and have much potential you need to put yourself in the readers place and look at an objective point of view. read it as if someone else wrote it and give an honest opinion. this is how writers can sell a huge hit. you must be able to criticize yourself as well as compliment yourself. great job and good luck you may be the next edgar allen poe.
Reply:very deciving



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