Id like your oppinion on this i wrote,?

It is a normal spring day, and i decide to have my lunch break in the local park, the weather is good, warm enough for summer clothes, yet not hot enough to complain about.


I sit on a bench under the shade of a tree, the wind blowing through the tree cuausing shadows to dance on the well maintained lawn. The park is a hive of activity today, an assortment of people, professions and past times. A man walks past me in his well pressed buisiness suit, he is not much younger than me, he is talking on his moblie phone, a little to loudly than nessesary, trying to sound important to those in earshot of him, or trying to sound imortant to himself.


An elderly couple is sat on a picnic blanket on the lawn, there silver hair shinning in the afternoon sun, homemade sandwhiches and cakes in brown paper bags, their faces are content, yet their eyes tell a different story, for after a life time of love, sharing and companionship, should one of them pass, the other would be truly alone.


A young female runner runs past them, her tonned body a billboard for her generation, her even strides cushioned by the latest running shoes and designer sunglasses to block out the sun. Her body is covered by tight fittting running clothes, to either enhance her performance, or to leave those who look at her an object of desire, sexuall and envious.


She runs past a group of teenage school kids, as she passes the boys they mimic the bounce of her breasts with their hands, much to the annoyance of the girls who roll there eyes.


A young coulpe walk past hand in hand, smiles on their faces as they watch their young toddler kick a bright orange ball, he squeals with delight, his rosey cheeks and innocent eyes oblivious to the hardships he will one day face, but for now he is content will sugar coated treats and colourful images on the T.V.


A small bird takes my attention, a sparrow i think, he is doing a little hop tupe of dance in front of a cluster of bushes, he then darts into them, comming out with a small bug in his beak, he then flies up into a tree, He returns moments later to do the same thing again.


Yet the more I watch his antics the more I wonder about him.


I wonder if he is feeding his young, is this instinct that drives him to do this, or is it a parental love? Will he get frustated if he can not get enough food?


Will his little heart swell with pride when his young take flight for the first time? Does he know of love? Does his heart skip a beat when he sees his mate? or will it break when oneday she does not return? Does he know of fear? will he cower in the tree tops when a storm comes crashing down upon him? Does he know of racism? Do other birds treat him unkind because he is not the same breed as they? Does he know of joy? will he sing that little bit better when the sun is shinning on a clear day? Does he know of God and the creation. Is he aware of me as i am of him, and knows of man, war and death?


If he is aware of all of these then i feel sorry for him, for why should he suffer the follys of man, and yet if he is not aware i am eqaully sorry for him for the wonder of life is a thing to behold and the joy and sorrow it brings is a thing to be shared by all.

Id like your oppinion on this i wrote,?
nice... a lil bit more thrill would make it rock n rolling...
Reply:This is a great piece....good content, you stuck with present tense and first person. I became engrossed in it and enjoyed it. It is good work.


BUT... It desperately needs grammatic work. You have a lot of misspellings, punctuation errors, and word usage needs to improve. How about the elderly couple "is sitting"on the blanket.....I would do several re-writes %26amp; improve the work with each one. Don't feel put-upon. Professional writers have to do many re-writes for their publishers.


Keep writing! You have great talent!
Reply:A little long
Reply:I think it's really good. u should publish it! just look on the back of a book u own, they show the publishers there. then contact them and show them this! I'm only 14 and i've got published poetry, so u can do it too!


good luck!
Reply:It's too long.
Reply:This needs a lot of editing. Plus things like: if it's that warm, why would a runner wear that many clothes, how can you detect from the older couple's eyes their thoughts?, a sparrow is a seed eater not a bug eater, racism and pride with birds...that is stretching.


Why don't you restart but focus on only one thought and develop it more.
Reply:in this park evry one is aware of his own interest, an old couple of each other, a girl on the cell connected to her caller, female athlete to her love of jogging, the spectators to the spectacles that attract them, even the bird is busy with something that has attracted its attention, very nice full of energy and descriptive para writing



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